Thursday, September 20, 2012

Why Can't I Win???

Why can't I just win once.  No, not the lottery.  Although that would be pretty sweet.  I'm talking about just winning one in life.  I'm not saying that my life is horrible--it's definitely not.  In fact, I'm blessed in so many ways it's hard to even count them all.  But it's like I can't catch a break sometimes. 

After years of feeling horrible health-wise, and even worse the last 16 months or so, I finally visited a specialist last month.  Today I got the results.  The good news is it's not Lupus or Arthritis.   And I was already cleared for MS earlier this year.  Instead it's Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  A syndrome I used to chuckle at because I didn't really understand it.  But now I do.  I'm living it.  I've lived it for years but now I know the name of it.

Back in my early 20's I got mono.  Not sure exactly how, as I thought it was something you'd get earlier in life--but I did.  And since then I've had one weird illness after another.  Ironically, this CFS is actually affiliated with the Epstein Barr virus which is what causes mono.  It basically never leaves some people's bodies. 

As a result I live in daily pain.  Like the kind you have when you are sick with the flu--very achy joints and muscles.  Everywhere.  And in addition there is a lot of weakness and tiredness. 

I guess I dealt with this pre-children because I just didn't know what else it was--but now with two small children, one of which requires a LOT of energy it's truly taking a toll on me.  I want to be the mom that can keep up and run around with them.  Again, for my older son he needs it as therapy.  And now I feel like it's getting harder and harder to provide it for him.  Literally taking a walk down the block will wear me out.  No, not immediately but the next day.  It's truly why every time I would start a good workout regime, I would have to end it quickly .... I would always get 'flu like' for days afterwards.  I just assumed it WAS the flu or some weird virus. 

So now I'm looking for anything that will help me.  Help me to be a stronger parent.  I read all of these stories about people with CFS being on disability because it's such a disabling illness and honestly, I used to judge--but now I totally "get" it.  I guess yet another lesson in life about not judging people. 

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